


The Mother He Carried

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge Deleted Extended and Alternate Scenes -- Ben's childhood [7]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angry Kylo Ren, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Evil Snoke, Gen, Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Throws A Tantrum, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, POV Kylo Ren, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Snoke Being a Dick, Temper Tantrums, Young Ben Solo, pilot Kylo Ren, the last jedi speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 10:29:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12629025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: A study of Ben and Leia, and how Poe eclipsed Ben in Leia’s eyes — or did he?





	The Mother He Carried

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Eclipse
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

_Age three:_

His mother’s scared of him. Ben can feel it. When he accidentally knocks things over with the Force, he can feel how scared she really is of him. It’s an unsettling feeling; he doesn’t want to upset her. It’s the opposite of what he wants, actually.

There are times when she compares him to Poe. And though Ben cares about Poe a great deal, he wishes she wouldn’t do that. After all, what is he doing wrong?

 

_Age thirteen:_

When he tells his mother about the matter of stopping slavery, he can swear that she’s proud of him. There’s something about that that’s more than invigorating, more than validating. It’s like he’s done something right. It’s not often that that happens. Usually, she’s nervous around him or, at times, mentally comparing him to Poe. (Of course, Poe is amazing and everything that Ben could never be in a million years, so there is that) But here, at least, with that knowledge, Ben can feel proud of himself.

 

_Age twenty-four:_

When he’s apprenticed to Supreme Leader Snoke, he has to come to grips with the fact that his mother never really loved him. That there was no love in that shell, no matter how much Ben hoped for it.

“She has forgotten you,” says the Supreme Leader. “No, worse than that — she wants to forget you, she despises you so. Even now, she has chosen another to be her surrogate: Poe Dameron.”

And Kylo Ren knows that it’s the truth. He can see images, too many of them actually, of his mother, treating Poe with the sort of care and delicacy that she never treated him with — like he mattered. Unlike Kylo.

Unlike Ben.

As always, the Supreme Leader is wise.

That night, he has another fit, cutting up just about everything in his quarters. He seems to be doing that a lot lately. It’s like the Beast inside him is finally running free after being caged too long, and it wants to destroy everything in sight. It makes it easier imagining destroying everything that represents his mother and Poe, Poe, who has all but abandoned him —

It’s when the rage quiets down that Kylo Ren can look at what he’s done. It’s almost a masterpiece, the way that he’s carved just about everything up. Now that he’s done, he can’t help but shake. There’s no one here. No one is there for him except the Supreme Leader.

No one would want to be, for that matter.

He deactivates his lightsaber, looks further over the damage. Tomorrow, it will be the same pattern — throw a fit, and the people in maintenance usually come down to fix or replace it. That’s how it always is. He swears that he can feel Poe with him in the room.

_I love you, Ben. Never forget that, never doubt that._

Will it be enough to save him? Kylo doubts it.

 

 

  
_Age twenty nine:_

  
It’s when Kylo Ren is called into the Supreme Leader’s throne room for the second time that he knows that he has an important mission coming up, and it has to do with the Resistance. Even as he steps into the throne room, he can feel it. And when the Supreme Leader gives him his mission, Kylo Ren has to admit he flinches under the armor when General Organa is mentioned.

The Supreme Leader looks down at him. “You hesitate?”

“No, Supreme Leader.” Unconvincingly, trying to make it matter to himself, Kylo Ren says, “She means nothing to me.”

“Even if she did, you mean nothing to her. She’s already chosen another. It would be easy, wouldn’t it, choosing the son less broken, less tainted with the darkness she hates so much. Why else would she not look for you? She found the son she wanted. Your own mother and your own mate abandoned you, Kylo Ren.”

Kylo can’t argue in regards to the mother part.

“What about Poe Dameron? He was...he was looking for me all along."

“Then perhaps he is your mother’s better in that respect. But your mother never wanted you. She wanted a different son. Perhaps one not broken. Perhaps one not seemingly tainted. Perhaps one stronger, perhaps one more powerful. Even if it was one not her own.”

The Supreme Leader is, as always, wise.

“Don’t blame yourself, Kylo Ren,” the Supreme Leader says. “Your mother was always a loveless creature. She gives out medals for mass murder, she gives out promotions for destroying planets. She was too absorbed in her petty bickering with Han Solo to actually mother and nurture, to help you when you needed it. Tell me, Kylo Ren, who guarded you through the worst of nights while your parents fought?” And Kylo Ren knows that it’s a double-meaning. A test, to see if Kylo Ren would dare try and leave him again.

“You did,” he says.

“Excellent. And now you understand.” A pause. “Can you do what must be done?”

“I can.”

“Go then,” says the Supreme Leader. “And remember — you and General Organa cannot both survive. She is a poison in your veins, and you must extract her.”

Even as Kylo heads to the hangar, he can draw off his anger towards his mother. Every time that she rejected him, every time that she hated him, every time that she clearly thought that he was nothing. He can draw off every time that she thought Poe was better than him. He can remember.

Memory can be a powerful source of anger.

***  
He hasn’t been in a TIE fighter for a long time. There’s something about it that’s thrilling, feeling how exactly the ship moves, and —

He thinks of his father, almost instantly, telling him about how there are different kinds of ships, and he squashes it down just about instantly as well. He doesn’t have room to feel, to remember. He doesn’t have time...

He pilots the ship past the fleet, shooting down those who fire at him, and he makes his way over to his mother’s ship.

The General’s ship, he corrects himself. She is not his mother. She found someone better. She wants nothing to do with him. She is a poison in his veins that he must get out —

And yet when the time comes to fire, he finds that he cannot do it.

He was able to activate the lightsaber and kill Han Solo. Why can’t he do this? His finger trembles over the button, and he finds that he can’t do it.

It’s then that he feels his mother’s presence on the ship, and something else. Something he felt when the Hosnian system was destroyed, something he felt when he reached through the Force, impulsively, to find his mother. He’s expecting hatred. Hatred will make pulling the trigger easier. Rejection too. Hatred and rejection will make it easier to pull the trigger and just shoot —

Instead, he finds something else.

_Come home, Ben._

It’s a trick, isn’t it? Why would she want him to come home, of all things? She must be drawing him close enough to strike, to kill him —

There’s that thought again. _Come home, Ben. I miss you. Poe misses you._

And trick or no, it’s something that Kylo Ren wanted to hear all along.

His finger shakes on the trigger.

The Supreme Leader’s voice is at his ear. _It is a trick, Kylo Ren. She is a General first and foremost. She won’t hesitate to kill you if it means winning the war. There is nothing in the galaxy like a mother’s hate._

Kylo Ren knows that.

_Pull the trigger. Take her out before she takes you out._

Kylo Ren’s finger trembles on the trigger.

In the end, he can’t. He’s interrupted by another X-wing coming at him. Several, actually. He shoots them down, and he reaches out to see if he accidentally shot down Poe Dameron or anything like that.

He didn’t.

Thank the Force.

He escapes the ship before it shoots into hyperspace. And Kylo Ren is still unsettled by what he’s done. He knows the Supreme Leader will be furious. He will accept his punishment. Right now, he has to get back to the Supreme Leader. Explain his failure. The Supreme Leader won’t forgive him, and he shouldn’t.

But here Kylo Ren is. Perhaps next time he can be stronger.

If, at least, there is a next time.

 


End file.
